Surfers are a unique breed. South African Surfers even more so. Much of what we say is unintelligible to the rest of the world, so here is a basic summary of what the world might understand.
Number 1: J Bay must be going off!
Whether you’re 70 odd k’s down the road in PE, or 700 odd k’s west in Slaapstad, or a solid day’s drive east to Durbz – at any moment in time, any surfer in any part of the country will hear this – or say this. To the uninitiated, they’d often be right. But when it’s east and sloppy, or the swell angle is wrong, or it’s small, or crowded (Editor’s note: it’s always crowded) or just plain simple not happening – there are other options. Sure, not much can beat perfect 4 – 6 foot Supertubes. But J Bay can skunk you just like any spot in the world. It’s kinda like waiting for ages to see your favourite band live, only for them to cancel and be replaced by a Nickelback cover band. A kak Nickelback cover band.
Number 2: Dude, where’s my car?
No, this is not just the name and premise of a juvenile comedy movie. Sadly, although this remains a daily occurrence in South Africa, it somehow still comes as horrid shock to us all when it happens. You’ve just had your surf – fun or not – and you trudge back to the car park – only to discover your car is missing, like a public servant’s sense of accountability.
“Why my car?” You complain.
“Surely the fungus-riddled tik addict of a car guard was bravely protecting my car?” Is your lament.
“My brand new twinnie was in the car!” You bellow sorrowfully at the indifferent heavens, tears filling your eyes as you realise you’ll miss your custom board more than your car. (You’ll claim it was the salt water irritating your peepers.)
Living in South Africa, you count yourself lucky when only a window was smashed in.
Number 3: I don’t care how bad the crowds are in Oz
“I’m moving there,” is usually the second half of the statement. Gatvol of crime, incompetence, corruption, politics, load shedding, potholes, overly dry biltong and two-tone shirts, the soon-to-be expat packs their bags and heads to Australia. (Or the US, or NZ, or the UK etc.) Obviously not a decision unique to surfers, but one in which surfers tend to compromise by trying to set up a new life along a coastline. Where they more often than not give up surfing because of unbearable crowds.
Number 4: Hey bru, can I borrow some wax/sunblock/a spare leash?
For all its issues, South Africa is a nation friendlier than a part Thai/part Canadian masseuse (who may or may not be part male, part female but that’s beside the point). This general friendliness has been mentioned to me several times by foreign visitors. Not only at many different surf spots across the country, but out of the water as well. It never ceases to amaze me. Either the rest of the world are the biggest bunch of grumpy curmudgeonly tools irrevocably spoiled by living in the carefree first world – or we really are just a friendly nation. Sure, there’ll always be the odd friendly stranger a little too willing to help you at the ATM, but we really seem to be a cheerful bunch, more than willing to help out a brah with some wax or sunscreen. Or perhaps we’re just totally disorganised, rocking up at the beach without the absolute basics to enjoy a session.
Number 5: It’s too crowded and not really good enough for me to surf
When you’re surfing Trestles, a hundred odd people is more than fine. Double that for Malibu. Snapper Rocks and surrounds looks inviting with four hundred odd punters, many of whom are pro’s, current or former. Some European A-frame in chilly autumn may look awesome with six dozen frothers swarming all over it like insects over their nest. Sure, South Africa has more than its share of crowded surf breaks – often too crowded at the well known places to really have a solid wave count to effort ratio. However, our so-called crowds are measly compared to pretty much any other country with significant surf, barring some feral, freezing island in the North Sea or Antarctica or somewhere equally as appealing. Once again, the country has its issues for sure. But surfing in relatively uncrowded, decent waves is definitely not one of them.
