Some of these trends are relatively new. Some will be with us for a while. And unless I’m simply becoming grumpier in my old age, all are really absurd.
Number 1: Colour co-ordinating
Colour co-ordinating wetsuit, surfboard, leash and fins. (And sunblock, if you’re really serious.) Sure, surfing has a major aesthetic aspect, no denial there. And frankly, sometimes an incidental bit of colour matching kinda works. However, there are those that take it to the extreme. Even if said colour co-ordination is everything in plain black, including full carbon deck surfboard – it’s still a little over the top. Still, there are worse trends in surfing, such as:
Number 2: Sunset surfs
You have maybe an hour or so of daylight left. The wind has just glassed off the waves, and the whole scene is backlit with the soft, sunset light that would make an impressionist painter soil himself from the raw beauty of it all. There was buckets of swell, but the wind was iffy or too strong earlier. Nevertheless, you paddled out with roughly ten other hardy souls in the less than ideal conditions and still had a ball. And as daylight makes its final gasp, conditions begin to improve dramatically. You’re like, “whoah, this is looking sick… I really deserve this after dealing with less than stellar waves for a coupla hours.”
But suddenly, what’s this? A head or two – or three, or four – popping up like mangy meerkats? Suddenly you feel anxious. You’ve had waves, but you’ve really hedged your bets on the late afternoon glass off. Many surfers like to wait for the best possible conditions on any given day. Nothing wrong with that, you’ll say. Makes perfect sense, you’ll say. However, what makes no sense at all, is a sudden influx of entitled frothers, all believing they have the exact same rights to the best waves the earlier surfers had waited so patiently for. Suddenly there’s a horde of thirty or forty. The original ten feels bewildered and/or shellshocked, and reactions vary from mild deer-in-the-headlights numbness, to full blown snorting bull aggression. Either way – it ain’t pretty. And many will argue, it also ain’t fair.
Number 3: No leashes
Why. Is. This. Conversation. Still. Happening.
Purists will no doubt argue. So I may as well not hold back. Coz here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter how good of a logger you are. Whether it’s crowded or not, you will at some point lose control of that massive, ungainly bit of foam, and you’ll mow people down like the local cheap garden service. I’ll not question why many loggers prefer no leash, but I will question the sense of it. It’s sorta like saying parachutes ruin the uniqueness of skydiving; truly skilled skydivers can flap their arms and all will be well. Really. Enough already, just wear a damned leash and get over yourself.
Number 4: Parent/child coaching clinics
This is kinda a tough one. I’m fully behind future generations learning and loving the sport, and I’m definitely part of the “keep it in the family” school of thought. I guess my problem then is twofold.
First issue, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when dads and/or moms to encourage their kids to paddle around, paddle for whatever they want, paddle inside, paddle outside and paddle past the pack only to paddle for the very first set wave that looms. “Paddle, paddle paddle!” They’ll bellow at their kid, like a Roman centurion on the deck of a rowing galley, whip at the ready to lash at any disobedient oarsman. Or oarsperson in today’s woke world. Enthusiasm for your kid sharing in your passion is totally understandable, yet often the child in question looks terrified and not entirely comfortable being out there in the first place. More significantly though, the onus is on the parent, who should know better, to teach their precious bundle of joy the correct etiquette from Day One.
Second issue is almost identical to the first problem, with one significant difference. The parent began surfing after their child, and is about as clued up on surfing as the Kardashians are on world events. This usually happens because the parent is overjoyed at the child thriving on their new hobby, and unlike joining a cult or opening an opium den, this hobby is healthy and enjoyed in the great outdoors. Which is all wonderful. However, the converse of the above applies. Generally the child has some level of skill already, while the parent has all the surfing ability of expired vegetables. Which of course, can be overlooked – apart from the regrettable lack of proper etiquette. Will there ever be an easy answer. Sigh…
Number 5: Button up shirts in the water
The image is appealing. A tanned, carefree surfer, possibly with a ukulele, cruising on a surfboard in tropical conditions with an open Hawaiian shirt billowing in the gentle offshore breeze. My question is: why? Unless you’re posing for a retro 1950’s album cover, wearing an open button up shirt while surfing makes about as much sense as wearing boardshorts and sunscreen while working on a nuclear reactor. The shirt will not protect you from the sun. It will not protect you from the cold. It will not protect you from the reefs. It will not even protect you from wax rash. And it sure as it hell won’t protect you from looking like a pretentious hipster with your head lodged firmly up your own arse.
