Sharks get the biggest and baddest rep. As do various venomous thingies like bluebottles, jellies and puffer fish. However, mention must be made of the less obvious and often deceptively adorable creatures of the sea that cause many surfers more pain and injury than many other bigger, toothier, more toxic beasties Neptune likes to throw at us.
Number 1: Birds
Oh my. Penguins. Seagulls. Cormorants. Albatrosses. Just look at those magnificent examples of God’s creativeness, flying with grace into the sunset horizon. Until you get near one of their nests or try pick an injured bird up to take it to a marine animal rescue centre, that is. Trident has been pecked by penguins, arguably one of the cutest creatures that waddle around our coastline. And damn it, it hurt. We can almost understand why the Penguin is a Batman villain. To add to the indignity of being pecked by an endangered species we were trying to help, we’ve also been chomped by cormorants and squawked at by seagulls (haven’t we all). In fact, during a memorable trip to St Francis, this author witnessed a pair of seagulls dive bombing anyone who came near a certain tree in the Canals, where they had nested. Occasionally they would even defecate all over any would-be intruders. So don’t let the grace and apparent charismatic harmlessness of seabirds fool you folks. In fact, Trident once heard that apparently seagulls will occasionally peck out the eyes of seal cubs. Now, verified fact or not, try go to sleep tonight without that ghastly image in your heads.
Number 2: Barnacles ‘n mussels
Surf Science had a piece on sea urchins a while ago, and while they really are wonderful examples of spiky bastardry, at least they are relatively mobile when compared to these two hard shelled species of unpleasantness. Mussels and barnacles stick to their rock, and stubbornly refuse to go anywhere else, like a politician accused of corruption. Mussels are molluscs, bivalves to be exact and when combined with cream and garlic, are really lekker to eat. Barnacles, despite looking like mini volcanoes are actually a species of crustacean, which includes crayfish, crabs, prawns and shrimp. Now, it’s exceptionally unlikely a mussel or barnacle will detach from the reef and leap for you to sever your jugular, but if you’ve ever surfed anywhere near rocks you’ll know all about these little arseholes. Walking over them must equate to the idiots who willingly prance over live coals. However, said idiots make the choice to walk over coals. If we surfers wanna paddle out at say, J Bay – we will have to contend with one (or both) species of foot shredding invertebrate. And of course, landing arse or head first onto either species is another level of horrible altogether.
Number 3: Seaweed
Ah, the frigid waters of the Atlantic. As if having water temperatures only Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat would feel comfortable in wasn’t enough, Cape surfers have to deal with kelp. This mutant slippery giant of seaweed just loves entangling leashes, fins, and occasionally surfers themselves. Surely no surfer on the west coast would claim to be a fan. Nevertheless, as for the rest of us further east, we don’t get off scott free either. Whereas mussels and barnacles is like balancing on cheesegraters, seaweed will occasionally make you slip arse-over-kettle, likely damaging board, body or brain wherever you gracelessly land.
Number 4: Squid/Octopus
Trident is pleased My Octopus Teacher has been so well received. We kinda have a soft spot for octopuses. (No, grammar nazi – octopuses is equally as correct as octopi.) However, try pick a live one up. (Ed’s note: They’re not Boston terriers, idiot. They’re wild invertebrate cephalopods. Author: I know, I know. I still scheme they are super cute though.) That parrotlike beak is hard as bone. Get a decent nip from it and it’ll draw blood big time. Indeed, it’s actually the only hard part of the creature. (Ed’s note: This sounds mildly obscene. Author: Get your mind out the gutter bru.) Special mention must be made of the larger species of squid, whose suckers on their tentacles are sometimes ringed with teeth or clawlike structures. Still, if you’re deep enough in the ocean or unlucky enough to encounter a cephalopod of such enormous size, toothy tentacles is probably the least of your worries.
Number 5: Seals
Trident once heard of a seal biting off the nose of a woman who encountered one on the beach somewhere near Dunes. Yes folks, seals are adorable and their cubs are especially so damn adorable they can render you unconscious by the overwhelming power of their cuteness, but they are wild animals. Elephants are cute too, but nobody sane would recommend trying to take one for walkies. Leave wild creatures alone if you encounter them.
