It’s been a while since Trident has concocted one of our infamous surf questionnaires, so we thought it’s high time we did another. And it’s a basic but profound one – how much do you, as a surfer, actually know about the fundamentals of surfboards? Do you know your rails from your rocker? Your fin boxes from your leash plug, your traction pad from a sanitary pad? So let’s dive into surfboard statistics: a quiz.
Question 1: Modern surfboards can be broadly defined into only two categories. What are they?
a. Longboards and shortboards.
b. Soft tops and those nasty, dangerous hard resin things replete with blade-like fins and numerous hard edges to pierce the human body.
c. Kak surfboards and even kakker surfboards. Nothing is good enough for me for how hard I shred.
d. Four wheeled and lobster-shaped.
Question 2: What do you know about tails?
a. I’m no expert, but rounded pins and pintails are for really good, gnarly hollow waves, fish tails and swallowtails give you plenty of drive, and squash/rounded tails are your go-to all rounders. There are more tail types, but that’s off the top of my head.
b. That’s what I do when I see waves bigger than chest high. I turn tail.
c. The only kind of tail I need to know anything about is the kind in a bikini on the beach.
d. I really like my tail. It’s prehensile and I can happily hang upside down from trees with it.
Question 3. What exactly is a rocker?
a. It’s the curve of a surfboard from nose to tail. The more curve, the better for steep, hollow waves whereas the flatter the rocker, the better for general surf.
b. What I think of people who paddle out when it’s bigger than chest high. They’re off their rocker.
c. It’s what I am when not surfing. A rocker. AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Metallica – bring on the classics Dude.
d. It’s what people say I am off. For example, they say “you’re off your rocker” when I paddle out when it’s above chest high, in my Napoleon hat, spats, full Chewbacca costume on my hand shaped surfboard made of compressed succulents.
Question 4: Talk to us about fins.
a. I generally switch between the bog standard three fin thruster or a twin fin. I occasionally go old school on a single fin log when I’m feeling cruisy.
b. Whether dolphin or shark, the moment I see fins I screech like a banshee and head for the shore faster than a corruption accused politician gets a medical parole.
c. I like to sand my fins to make them even sharper for when I ride over other surfers, kooks, reefs, women, children, manatees and poachers.
d. I save money and make my own fins from my own secret formula of discarded surf wax, vegetable oil, compost, hair swiped from the floors of beauty salons, pomegranates and old braai ash.
Question 5: For the most part, surfboards are made from either polyester or EPS foam. Which do you prefer?
a. PU (or polyester) when it gets bigger or not as perfect, EPS with epoxy resin for those ultra clean, peeling kinda days. Or in wavepools.
b. Soft tops all the way!
c. I’ve beaten several surf offenders over the head with both materials, and I have to say – EPS is more durable. However, if I occasionally break a PU board over a perceived offender’s head – I make them pay for a new surfboard for me.
d. I prefer monosodium glutamate and aluminium shavings for my surfboard cores.
Question 6: A new surfboards: custom shaped, off the shelf or secondhand?
a. These days I only order custom from my local shaper who knows the way I surf and has given me great boards and service – but not gonna lie – sometimes a sick looking new board on the rack or even a quality used board can get me amped!
b. Soft tops straight outta Thailand!
c. My intimidation and extortion tactics getting me discounts on whatever surfboard I like is what I will take.
d. Self shaped in my bathtub from the previously mentioned monosodium glutamate and aluminium shavings. But not gonna lie – I sometimes go to my local shaper without a safety mask and inhale all the resin fumes I can. I can see my ancestors, man!
Question 7: What really makes a surfboard a good stick in your opinion?
a. To really perform well in the specific wave or conditions is was originally intended for. I’m not gonna say a big wave gun is kak simply because I’m surfing it in 2 foot onshore slop.
b. How unlikely the surfboard is to hurt you.
c. How likely the surfboard is to hurt everyone else.
d. Will the surfboard perform in the waves of the fabled secret inland golden rainbow sea. To reach it, one must travel east – always east – following the spoor and scat of the dassie (not the domestic dog’s mind you) and fasting for several weeks, subsisting only on your own armpit sweat, peach pits, spekboom leaves while heeding the raucous call of the hadedah.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You are by your own admission, no expert, but you are on the right path. Keep going!
Mostly B’s. You really need to grow a pair.
Mostly C’s. You really need to lower that testosterone.
Mostly D’s. You really, really need to stay on your meds.
