Some famous guy that Trident is too lazy to Google once said, “there’s a sucker born every minute.” We’re not sure the relevance of this quote to our review today, but hey. We think it had something to do with a circus. Which is apt, as we surfers know this is often exactly what a surf lineup can be – a circus, with clowns and the overpowering smell of dung and all.
This Trident review was initially going to be about newbies paddling, until Trident realised bad paddling is absolutely not restricted to new surfers at all. Indeed, new surfers have the excuse of being new to the game, so their paddling can suck to kingdom come for all we care.
Nevertheless, as communism has tried and failed to teach us, “a place for every man, and a man for every place”, so clearly kooks and beginners add some kind of value to surfing. Even if said value is only amusement for other surfers. Perhaps surf spend at the very least. They’re definitely not adding anything in the style stake, that’s for darn tootin’ sure.
Anyhow, one of the most brutally obvious ways in which a beginner can be spotted is in their paddling. Trident has spent many years observing and evaluating the paddling of newcomers, and we’ve broadly defined a few categories. As mentioned however, this isn’t limited to new surfers only. So we review a few paddling styles as we see fit, but feel free to let us know if we’ve missed any others. We won’t care, but feel free to let us know.
The Slapper.
The name says it all. There is no paddling involved whatsoever. This surfer instead slaps the water without actually submerging their hands. Sorta like an old school pre-primary school teacher from the 1980’s, simultaneously spanking two unruly kids at once. An apt metaphor, coz the slapping is just as effective in propelling one forwards through the water as it is in disciplining children. Ie: it’s not really. 1 outta five.
The Tickler.
Similar to the Slapper, with far less enthusiasm. This tool sorta submerges their fingers, but with all the power and strength of a gnat farting. Why they do this Trident has no idea, but once again this form of paddling to move forwards is as effective as trying to run your household electricity with a potato during load shedding. At least the Slapper displays some energy, the Tickler gets a resounding zero outta five for being so damn lame.
The Faulty Steamboat.
Easy enough to imagine. This surfer focuses on paddling like clockwork (more or less); arms high and regular without any real movement forwards. Good paddling requires the arms to be submerged effectively and preferably under the surfboard to ensure long term shoulder viability. This paddler instead seems to focus more on the rhythm and regularity of paddling. Perhaps they were Tatjana Schoemaker or Roland Schoeman (ever noticed how similar those names are?) in a previous life. Or indeed, perhaps they were a steamboat cruising merrily down the Mississippi in the 1800’s in a past life. Regardless, this sort of surfer is athletic, yes – they have some know-how, but it’s like applying your skill in darts to playing rugby. They get a 2.5 outta 5 for effort.
The Textbook Paddler.
Head raised to look around. Elbows not too high. Arms bent, and paddling at a confident but easy pace. All looks good. Until you notice the look of teeth gritted intense concentration on their face. They’re paddling the way they’re supposed to according to surf instruction, without any real knowledge of why exactly they should be doing so. 3 outta five for paying attention, perhaps minus half a point for not understanding the application.
The Blinkers-on.
Head down, facing their board so closely if they ever look up, their eyelashes are encrusted with surf wax. Indeed, that could explain the fact that they seem to not know here they’re going – the wax having sealed their eyelids shut. However, we all know it’s coz this yokel simply refuses to lift their head up to try and see what’s happening around them. This becomes particularly crucial for taking off. Not only is it dangerous for all involved, but this kind of paddle style often ends in drop-ins and the like, with the invariable excuse (often in a foreign accent), “sorry I didn’t see you” becoming a clarion call. A minus 5 outta five for the danger and irritation factor, rounded up 3 points to a – 2 for the amusement factor.
The Hail Mary.
This surfer can actually paddle. They do so with some confidence, navigating the lineup fairly smoothly, and you therefore think they’re competent and quite capable. Until you see them paddling for an actual wave, that is. They approach the wave with a notable dip in confidence, only half committing to the take-off paddle… Then, as they drop down the face, they seem to kinda just give up and let the chips fall where they may, never really trying to stand up on the board. We give this a negative -3, as they’re just wasted a wave after misleading you into thinking they know what they’re doing. PS: Trident tip: they’re only allowed one more chance after the first spectacle.
