Just like every culture and subculture has its own idiosyncrasies, superstitions, traditions, techniques and time-honoured ways of doing things, so too does surfing. Certain of these become the status quo, all good. Conversely however, there are certain things in surfing that are about as useful as chest hair on your wetsuit. So, let’s delve into the top five things surfers think are cool but are actually just plain daft, stupid or pointless. Only five, huh?! Things such as:
Number 1. The hot debate on the correct way to carry a surfboard.
Mall grabs in skateboarding (grabbing a skateboard by its trucks) are considered very lame. Trident spoke to a compadre who happens to be a skating expert. This source confirmed it’s just petty thinking holding a skateboard “the wrong way” makes any difference whatsoever. The same has to be said of surfers judging other surfers on how they carry their boards. Now, Trident personally prefers holding a board top deck away from the body to prevent excess wax rubbing on your boardshorts or wetsuit, but that’s just us. As for fins first or nose first, you do you. We honestly don’t care, and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise.
Just two things though. Don’t ever just let your leash drag behind you. At least not for too long. That will collect sand and dust and assorted debris before you even hit the water. As for carrying your board on your head? Well, if you’re a longboarder from the 60’s – go ahead. See what we did there?! Go ahead?! Comedy gold! Alas, Trident’s wit is lost on many. Anyhow, speaking of longboarding…
Number 2. Paddling while kneeling on a longboard/log.
You’re not facing Mecca folks. And nor is this weird technique gonna help much. It’s bad for your knees, and probably equally bad for your shoulders and back. There has to be some reason no older longboarders generally paddle like this? Our money is on ‘coz it probably doesn’t work very well and is kinda stupid looking. It’s seriously inefficient; you’re slower than prone paddlers, so what use is this method? Not a rhetorical question. Perhaps kneeling and paddling is better suited only for chubby lifeguards on those awful malibu paddle thingies. Trident is utterly stumped as to why anyone would kneel while paddling. Whatever the reason, we call BS. End of.
Number 3. The hot debate on the correct way to measure wave size.
Trident should be done entertaining this debate. So instead of arguing, we’ll simply point out some extremely obvious facts. Firstly, measuring from the back of a wave. Purists may claim this is the old school and correct way of judging wave size. Yet, if old school was always right, we’d probably still have cocaine in Coca Cola and medically approved frontal lobotomies would still be legal. And a frontal lobotomy is what we’re pretty sure many people have had when claiming their method of measuring wave size is the correct way.
Measuring wave size from the back? Probably easier to do compared to the wave face, but the famous counter argument is Chopes. 2 feet from the back, the entire south Pacific ocean detonating from the front. Also, unless we’ve missed something – nobody surfs waves from the back. To Trident it’s like measuring the height of a house’s wall by checking the height of the gutter. Come on.
Then we have the fact that most surfers measure waves in feet. This despite the metric system ruling in most countries apart from backward nations like the USA. Now the measurement system in itself is immaterial folks. Know this however; one foot is roughly 30cm. In other words, the standard size of your old school ruler. Thus, a metre is slightly more than 3 feet. So assuming you’re measuring wave face, what most of us call 1-2 foot, is in fact… er bigger than that. 1 to 2 feet in reality is all but unsurfable. Unless you’re Wee Man. That is an old reference. (Ed’s note: Is Jackass still as mighty as it once was?)
Nevertheless, wave size as a science is nebulous, at best, completely inaccurate at worst, Trident gets that. What starts off as a 6 foot face can taper to 2 feet. Indeed, the reverse of that can happen; wedgy chest high waves erupting into 10 foot beasts. So how about we measure in body proportions? Overhead, waist high, chest high etc? Well, we have friends ranging in size from 5 foot to 6 foot 8. So ja, that ain’t gonna help. We repeat this however – 1 foot is 30cm. Done.
Number 4. Changing mats, changing poncho’s and surf forecasts that give an overview of the surf rather than actual meteorological conditions.
To be fair, like throwing sand or water in the air to determine wind direction, these relatively new additions to the surfing paradigm are intrinsically harmless. Also before you accuse Trident of any bias – we use all three of these annoying contrivances. This doesn’t alter the fact changing mats and poncho’s are simply unnecessary. By changing in a mat you can ever so conveniently wrap, doesn’t really make the entire process of changing out your wetsuit any easier. Sure, you may prevent damaging your wetsuit on gravel and stuff, but here’s a thought – just find a soft patch of sand or grass. Duh. By adding a changing mat to the equation you’re just adding more potentially stank stuff that needs rinsing. Or if you’re one of those ungrateful bastards that just lets equipment vrot away, why do you even bother with a changing mat at all?
Changing poncho’s are kinda better, but really – like most of the beach going public – a towel is just fine. As for surf forecasts that don’t give you swell period, direction, wind direction, wind strength and all kinds of technical stuff like that – think twice. No forecast is 100% accurate, but not viewing all that technical stuff is tantamount to saying you don’t actually know what you’re talking about. We don’t want a vague surf review like fair or very poor. That’s crystal ball forecasting.
Number 5: Shunning surfboard nose guards.
Look. Team Trident isn’t saying nose guards will definitely save you from potentially serious injury. We are saying this though: nose guards will help protect your board from potentially serious damage. Truth. Yes, nose guards may look kinda odd and/or daft on surfboards. However, a busted nose (human and/or foam) looks way worse. So get off your darn high horse surfers of the world. If Hawaiians still swear by surfboard nose guards, surely we all should too.
