Every sub culture has their quirks. Surfing is clearly no exception. However, when it comes to really lame things human beings seem to do/enjoy/excel at/insist on, surfing tends to take those lame things to an extreme. Unsure of what we’re talking about? Well, check out the top five generally lame things that surfers take to another level.
Number 1: Giving yourself a nickname.
Trident gets it. Nobody wants to go through life with nicknames like Spasmatron, Mouldy, Sourcrotch or Big ‘Nads. Assumedly nicknames like those are bestowed upon a person by another people as an insult. Nobody gives themselves nicknames like that. But check online. People with nicknames or handles that seem suspiciously too cool. Indeed, Ivan Florence’s moniker is Mr Cool. Although we presume his brothers felt bad that Ivan is the only bald bugger of the three. Nate and John John probably dubbed him that to make him feel less insecure about his being folliclally challenged. Anyway, nicknames, like respect, need to be earned rather than assumed. So be suspicious of surfer nicknames along the lines of Mr Style, Cruiser, King of the Locals, Slasher, Top Gun, Barrel Lord and Tripod. Nicknames such as Flea and Ratboy lend credence that they were earned rather than “self published”.
Number 2: Talking about it the whole time.
Look. We all know surfing is inherently self centred and kinda narcissistic, but really. Trident has always said a good wave is like going to the toilet. No matter how enjoyable and satisfying it was for you – nobody cares nor wants to hear you brag about how well you did it. To hear anyone passionately talking about their hobbies is one thing. However, anyone doing it ad nauseam and ad infinitum is at best tedious. At worst, some tool carrying on about their last cutback could be a precursor to their homicide.
Surfers are the absolute worst at this. So when Trident watches you bog a rail on a 2 degree turn? Only for you to brag to your equally untalented mate “about your rad spray?” We try stifle a smirk. We hope you’ll immediately be struck mute as divine retribution for your lack of introspection. Rather spice up your surf talk with other stand-by’s. Topics such as the weather (oops, even weather is a hot topic for surfing), the spouse and kids, work, politics and such. Perhaps even discussing your skin fungus makes you at least somewhat more interesting.
In a list of the Top Five generally lame things that surfers take to another level, this is boss level lame.
Number 3: Complaining.
Now as far as we’re concerned, to be alive is to be constantly irritated. Lord knows there’s enough going on in the world at any given moment to drive even the most balanced individuals to nihilism, substances, madness and relentless online shopping.
Human beings complain. A lot. We all do. It’s in our nature. In a world of traffic, crime, pollution, the cost of living, moronic politicians, the decimation of our natural world and car guards it’s utterly impossible not to get worked up. But surfers? Jeez. Most people will have injuries, tweaked joints and reef cuts. Clearly surfers will have more of those aches and pains than most. Fair enough. But we also complain about the quality of the waves, crowds, our equipment (when “not functioning”), other surfers flaunting the rules. All while we ignore our own surfing bad manners. Surfers complain about the very thing they enjoy. Nobody wants to hear someone moaning about their piles, but at least that ailment isn’t expected to be fun.
Number 4: Gate keeping and Silent Judgement.
And very often, not so silent judgement. These two could very well be two different points, but they are certainly interlinked. In the non-surfing world, you’re faced with numerous barriers to entry to pretty much, well – everything. Gatekeeping is part of innumerable scenarios. Exclusive membership to golf clubs, gentleman’s clubs, book clubs, football clubs, the shadowy world of the Illuminati – take your pick. You don’t just gain entry into exclusive cliques by knocking on the front door. And very often, gate keeping in the non-surfing world is based on judgement. Who you are, the colour of your skin, your background, who you know, your taste in show tunes – anything can be used as silent judgement against you belonging in a certain clique.
In surfing terms, this is elevated to another level. Thankfully though, your socio-economic background means very little to most other surfers. You can rock up in an overpriced SUV with several Firewire surfboards, and if you paddle out and surf with all the ability of a sedated slug, you’ll be judged. Harshly. As for gate keeping? Just try paddle out at any spot you haven’t surfed before, regardless of your ability. You’ll get stares, sometimes hostile stares – and it wouldn’t be uncommon for some unpleasant local to tell you in no uncertain terms to leave.
Number 5: Buying the most expensive stuff.
We all fall prey to this as human beings. Surely the most expensive stuff must also be the best, right? Trident admits to doing this – but buggr’it, after decades of surfing – we want the best possible boards, fins and wetsuits. But, here’s the rub. Whether you’re driving the sleekest, most top of the range luxury German car, or a circa 1980’s Ford Cortina – a careless person parked next to you while just as easily scratch your gold plated Merc as a 3 wheeled tuk tuk. Same with stuff like sunglasses. The top of the range Prada shades won’t be any more resistant to being lost or broken than the cheap pair you can buy at a beachfront petrol station. Although to be fair, expensive shades probably won’t give you cataracts in the long run.
So what we’re driving at is, although Trident believes in spending money on decent equipment – surfing stuff is inherently fragile. So think carefully on your surfspend. Westuits rip and tear, boards are only slightly more durable than cut glass crystal if you drop them accidentally in the parking lot while changing. And that’s out of the water.
