Attenborough needs to do a documentary on car guards in surf spot parking lots. Part One: “In his natural environment, the car guard possesses the uncanny ability to remain unseen and invisible until his finely attuned sense of hearing picks up the sound of jingling car keys and the promise of loose change. Ironically, the sound of breaking car windows does not awake the car guard from his inertia, which borders on actual hibernation.” Rufus Sack, Botulismswana
Kids, steroid abuse is dangerous and stupid. It also gives you back acne and shrivels your testes. And let’s not even go into the aggressive mood swings and the fact that you look like the low budget version of the Hulk (green skin an’ all). That being said, can some bro please me juice me up lekker so I can optimise my paddle power for the last few stray remaining swells of winter. Thanking you in advance. Jim Brow, Roids Sonderwater
Surfing while digesting red Thai curry. Not recommended. Side note: my apologies to the entire South African coastline for all the E. coli. Didgiredoo O’ Hara, Scorched Earth
Whether male, female, in-between, he, she, they, kitchen appliance or wookie, if a surfer drops in on me, I think yelling “Oi, get off my wave you insufferable, snaking turd!” is a perfectly acceptable response. It proves I’m like, super progressive and sensitive to gender neutrality and stuff. #equality #genderblind #noprejudice Boy Beavis, Buttington
Hip flasks full of your tipple of choice in your wetsuit while surfing #becausewhynot. Mutant Smith, Margarineball
