Welcome to the first ever Trident Reviews Post.
Some may call online reviews of any kind biased, even prejudiced. Others cynically suggest reviews are biased to whomever is paying the advertising bills. Not so with us though folks, rest assured. Although a quick shout out to Botchit and Leggit Builders: We put the Folding in Scaffolding!
No, Trident won’t bow to corporate meddling and shall continue our years-long tradition of integrity. Our reviews will often transcend mere product write-ups and also delve into the nuances, idiosyncrasies and contradictions of all aspects of surfing.
Today however, we do a mere product review. That most essential yet simplest of surfing’s equipment, namely – the humble block of surf wax.
Mr Zog’s Sex Wax.
Hard. Round. Put it in a long sock and you have a dangerously reliable makeshift morningstar. Also, thanks to its remarkably pretty colours – it would make a damn fine urinal cake as it also happens to smell very lekker. The first of our wax reviews has a dirty name, yet it has the least provocative of reputations or marketing campaigns. Weird. Utterly useless as a frisbee. But would probably make a decent ice hockey puck. Which is not such an odd comment after all, as there are definitely ice hockey adherents and fans in South Africa. Now that is actually weird if you think about it.
FU Wax.
We seem to remember this stuff is from Brazil. That’s neither here nor there though, although it’s mostly worth mentioning ‘coz if said wax is indeed from a non-English speaking country… That name though. Trident is fresh outta obvious jokes about it, so let’s all just grow up and move on, shall we? FU Wax smells as good as any, and is stickier than that quote from Season Four of Blackadder: “We’re in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.” Round like Zog’s, but has the consistency of melted pizza cheese. Use it in summer and it’ll have the consistency of shaving foam, and subsequently be equally as effective as traction on a surfboard.
Cream Wax.
Less dirty sounding than FU Wax. Pricey, but well worth it. Like a supersized McDonald’s meal, as you’re paying for more wax, not simply just paying more. For some reason, the manufacturers decided to give Cream wax bars the grey colour of fungus-riddled rotting zombie skin. So although Cream is yet another delightfully round surf wax, this will be unappealing in a urinal. Although what would actually be appealing in a urinal baffles us. A mound of R 5 coins probably. Trident is unaware if this brand of surf wax carries heat-seeking missiles, but you never know.
Mrs Palmers.
Star of some of the most infamously non-PC surf ads of the 80’s, 90’s and early 2000’s, along with Reef. (The footwear, not the SA wetsuit brand.) Not round, brick shaped with a furrow in the middle. Which is ostensibly to make rubbing it on your board easier, although for all we know, said furrow serves some darker, nefarious purpose which we wouldn’t even dare speculate on. Tastes like chicken.
Sticky Bumps.
Clearly not the most imaginative name, but it certainly states just what it is that said product does. Although, taking a cue from Point Break – you could always use Sticky Bumps to wax your moustache. Although to be fair – that’s the same as any wax. Can instantly teleport itself. We wouldn’t recommend Sticky Bumps for repairing roof leaks, but could be okay for the braai.
