There are so many interpretations of surfing laws these days. Tempers are frayed, words become heated. Exchanges turn into conflict, conflict becomes actual violence. In surfing! I reckon, keep it simple – and have like the nuclear deterrent. No need to use it to harm other waveriders! Nevertheless, certainly just owning an intimidating weapon has some heft. For me, being a bit of a reader, I had an idea. My advice is to arm yourself with a device Stephen King invented called the “Happy Slapper”. An athletic sock filled with heavy ball bearings. Effective, not just from the actual threat of violence point of view – but being a sock… Well it’ll smell worse than all your complex’s neighbours’ cooking all at once. Alltime Mampara, McStanker
Please be advised, there’s some new dude who’s just joined my local surf lineup, as is trying to sell insurance. All while imploring you to help him “build a better South Africa”, coz he’s “a visionary”. Well, several of my mates in the surfing community are also mental health practitioners. So let’s “build a better South Africa” by putting this stooge in a padded cell and loading him to the eyeballs with Thorazine. Blaas Smit, Mount Saint Wors
The awesome thing about English is that literally every single word can be turned into an insult, cool eh?! Or indeed, any English word could be used as discriminatory or prejudiced. Apply this to surfing I say! “That one dude was surfing like a proper pomegranate.” “Those new groms were behaving like typical bloody gazebos in the water! Who do they think they are?” “That one oke who dropped in on me really acted like a proper spatula don’t you scheme?” Lord Lisp Muckety-Muck Type, Urinal Hall
Many new trends that have popped up in surfing over the last couple years. In my opinion, the sudden proliferation of surf hats must be one of the most obvious. Peaked caps, floppy hats – the classic winter hoodie – all very commonplace on surf lineups these days. So damn it, I’m gonna bring the top hat into surfing. With or without a white rabbit inside. Hog Houdini, Blunderland
The number of Germans I’ve had to threaten in the surf lately comes close to the German numbers the Allies had to threaten on the beaches of Normandy close to a hundred years ago. Sergeant Puff, New Joisey
