Let’s begin with a disclaimer. Look at our heading. Consider that nowadays, many top surf nations do not speak English as their country’s official language. Yes, obviously we see you Brazil. Nonetheless, countries such as Spain, France, Italy, Morocco, Indonesia, Japan, etcetera have had contenders on the CT (and still do), so Trident’s choice of accents to review may seem superfluous to you, dear reader. Let us make it very clear – we do not care. This is our list, and if you feel it is lacking, please add to it in the comment. Also, we’re doing English speaking countries first, thereafter we tackle those with some other guttural tongue.
The second part of our disclaimer relates to the fact that even in English-speaking countries such as Oz, the States and of course here in SA – accents are not homogenous. So in some instances we even have narrowed down regional accents and dialects. On Trident’s own whim. Yes, on our whim. We don’t really care if you have any others to add, but again if you insist – add them to the comments. Also, if we feel like lumping certain nations and/or regions together because of practicality and similarity – so be it.
With all this being said, Trident reviews accents as follows:
Australia:
Like the scene in Jaws when the skipper scratches his fingernails against the chalkboard, the Australian accent grates on one’s very spine. Don’t know what a chalkboard is, millennials and Gen Z? Google said scene in Jaws. To be fair though, one can also Google some of Jaws’s scenes where the shark is actually eating people. Their cries of agony sound even more closely like that of a heavy, working class Aussie’s accent.
Don’t get us wrong however. Aussies are cool people. Generally they are very likable, if somewhat tame and uptight. Nonetheless this doesn’t change the fact that apart from say, Margot Robbie – the Australian accent is kinda an assault on the eardrums. We have heard worse accents (Eastern Europeans threatening life and limb in broken English comes to mind). Still, most Aussies sound like an untuned banjo being beaten over someone’s head. Special mention: New Zealand: We prefer the Kiwi’s accent fer sure. However, just like the natives of KZN – can you New Zealanders at least try and enunciate every “i” sound correctly? ‘Coz when you speak of surfboards named “Fush|” or “Twunnie”, you all sound like a bunch of “uh-duh-ots”.
1 outta 5 for Oz, 2.5 for New Zealand.
South Africa:
Right. Let’s just get our own accent out the way shall we? ‘Coz we’re clearly biased as hell. We’ll focus on South Africans with English as their mother tongue first, as they have produced the most surfers. Let’s be honest. So ja. We’ve already mentioned the weird lack of correct pronunciation of the “i” sounds from people from KZN. Truly bizarre really.
Yet, the KZN accent still sounds somehow better than Eastern Capers. Folks from this stretch of coast sound like their father was a faulty tractor and their mother a hadedah. Further West, the Capetonian accent becomes more posh. Even as their speakers become more insufferable as people. Special mention must go to Afrikaners in the water. The white Afrikaans surfers sound like they’ll casually donner you for the smallest surf infringement before inviting you over later for rugby and a braai. In contrast, the coloured Afrikaans surfers tend towards falsetto. Zulu and Xhosa surfers also get a special mention, mostly ‘coz it’d be pretty rad to see some of ‘em on the CT.
4 outta 5, but only because if you’re a native English speaker, most other countries can understand you.
The USA:
It seems backwards, but we’re gonna start with Hawaii. Why backwards? Well, as the birthplace of surfing, it seems more fitting to end with Hawaii. Just as the darn CT should, WSL. Anyhow. Not only is this tenuous American state the birthplace of modern wave riding, it’s also the birthplace of the word brah. Trident always spells it with an “h” at the end so one doesn’t confuse it with female underclothes, but that’s just us. Other folks spell it as “bruh”, particularly Gen Z ou’s. But this is dwelling on a word, not the accent. It’s kind of flat, with a broad American lilt, quite clearly influenced by accents of the Pacific and Polynesian peoples.
From the islands of Hawaii we go east to California. Every surfer here drawls like they’re Texans without the swagger and cowboy hat. No wonder surfers from Cali are stereotyped as constantly stoned to the marrow. The Gulf Coast regions, and the East Coast states vary so ridiculously it’s difficult to narrow them down. Nonetheless, let’s stick to offensive stereotypes. So surfers from the southern accents sound like the speaker is married to his cousin and grows his own hog feed (which he’ll graciously even give to pigs sometimes.)
Then the northern coasts of the States. Both the west coast and the east coast. It’s simple really. The further north you go, the less the accent matters ‘coz there’s almost no surf to speak of. A special mention to Canada. Like a broad American accent, with every word containing the vowel sound “ou” pronounced “oo”. So “boat” becomes “boot”, “about” becomes “aboot”, and “out” becomes “oot”. A stereotype fer sure, but still silly as heck.
3 outta 5, 2 outta 5 for the Canucks.
Next time, we continue with mostly non-English speaking surf accents. We bet you can hardly wait.
