Jis my bru, these summer specials for winter wetsuits are insane, like 30, 40, 50 % off?! Gotta get me some of that new gear while I still can! While stocks last!
My current fullsuit is definitely smelling rather fruity, and has more holes in it than your average politician’s rhetoric. Sure, I don’t really need a new wettie just yet – but I’d be foolish not to take advantage of the slow, post-Christmas season sales. Hang on… A secondhand wetsuit for like, 20% of original price?! Something to consider as well… Or what about this deal; buy a new wetsuit at your local surf shop and score three free bars of wax?! The agony of choice…
So, online, secondhand or retail?
Photo by Kampus Production: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-helping-a-man-wear-his-swimwear-7938853/
Online:
Am I a Medium, or a Medium Small? A Medium Tall? Er. These measurement guidelines I’ve Googled are pretty useless. I have a large, barrel shaped belly, and extra long, extra strong arms. Yet my legs are pretty short. In other words, I am a Neanderthal.
So what in blue blazes is my size? * Checks refund policy. Ah, okay – I can return within five working days of delivery; either to a local branch with proof of purchase or courier it back at my own cost. Pfft. Not doing that. Okay, so I reckon I’ll go with a Medium, according to Google’s wetsuit size guide, and go with the one that’s on special for 50% – what a deal!
Add to cart, pay and – oh wait, I’ve been hacked. Okay, start again, three days later after fighting with my bank. All good now though! My brand new wetsuit will arrive in less than five Working Days!
3 weeks later, a hungover courier knocks at my door. My wetsuit! Let’s try it on for luck. This. Is. Ridiculously. Tight. Arrghh! I’ve just exacerbated my old shoulder injury trying to put it on. Hang on, this can’t be right. * Checks size. It’s a Ladies’ Small. They sent the wrong darn wetsuit. The floral pink should have given it away. And, by forcing it on, I’ve now inadvertently rendered myself sterile.
Online: two outta five stars.
Secondhand:
Arrive in the sketchy part of town to see the secondhand wetsuit. Knock on the front door. It creaks open. Jeez, this pop-eyed, madly grinning seller looks ultra dodgy. Like the kind of drooling loony you’d expect to find hanging around schoolyard fences. And he smells even worse. Like a turd had a turd. And the wetsuit this ou wants to sell smells even worse. Like a turd had a turd, then gargled with garlic and rolled in burnt hair. Why on earth did you come to this weird, stank loser’s house to buy his secondhand suit.
Still, he is your my best mate and the suit is at a ridiculous price. However, you’d be right to question how often he used to go toilet while surfing, considering how there’s an overpowering smell of urinal. * Sniffs wetsuit. Oh, what a relief. The men’s room reek is either him and/or his whole house, but the wetsuit itself is pretty fresh smelling. Try it on. Slick fit! Thank him, pay him cash and go for a surf.
Put it on again and paddle out. Fish start swimming away from you at a rapid pace, and you’re pretty sure you saw a seal gagging. Okay, it wasn’t your mate or his house, this wetsuit stanks. Like garbage collection day in Hell. Plus, you notice you’re a little chilly around the, uh, nether areas. Oh man. Either you never saw that massive tear in the crotch region, or it tore once you’d paddled out. But no way your tjom will take it back now. You already peed in it.
Secondhand: two outta five stars.
Retail:
Ah! Who doesn’t love the smell of a genuine surf shop in the morning! The neoprene? The sunblock, the surf wax? The strangely cabbagey smell of the runny-eyed manager? And look, actual people – a manager – and assistants! Sure, the one shop assistant is staring blankly into space, like they’re a terrestrial mollusk contemplating their future life – which mostly consists of eating leaves, mating, excreting and avoiding slug repellent. The other shop assistant is constantly sneering at you, ‘coz they think they’re the next JJF. (You’ve seen them in the surf though, definitely some talent – but all in all, their style is like that of that silly Olympian Aussie break dancer if she also had epilepsy.)
Anyhow, unlike online and secondhand, you can choose a wettie from the rack, at a price you deem reasonable. Let’s grab one or two more as well, just to ensure the correct fit. Success!
Let’s try it on.
Two minutes later: Drenched in sweat, swearing and weeping from the effort, you only have one leg in this suit, and you’ve already torn the other knee section. Well, guess you break it – you’ve bought it.
Retail: two outta five stars.
